goodbye december.

"I wasn't dreaming of a Christmas in Panama.

Not like the ones I used to know."

Christmas turned out great. Below is a picture of the Stint Team (minus Sarah who was heavily involved in a Christmas Cantata at her Church) at the V.E Christmas Party.

My sincere apology to those who have checked my blog looking for updates, and have been disappointed. This month seemed to fly by quicker than all of the rest and I still feel like I can’t catch up on it. We finished up the school year with a bang, Christmas parties, final goodbyes to graduates and planning for the New Year. I look back in awe of all that God has done and will continue to do on the campuses here and most importantly in the each moment of the lives of the students.

This month marked a very profound step in this journey away from home. I hit rock bottom the week before Christmas, emotionally giving up I should say…wanting the comforts of home and the presence of people I miss and love so much. Needless to say this was a crucial 4th month realization that I wouldn’t be returning home for the holiday and will continue to live here in Panama for many months to come. In saying that, I had an amazing time here with my friends here in Panama and my new “Stint Family”. Turkey was eaten, karaoke sung, egg-nog like substances enjoyed and Secret Santa’s investigated! Christmas here, without the romanticized chestnuts roasting, and jack frost nipping was stripped away from what I’ve grown to know…exposing that which I knew to be true. That Christmas was and is about Jesus…humbling himself to come to this World He created so that we could have a personal relationship with Him. Emanuel, God with us…do you believe it to be true? I was smacked in the face with that reality this Christmas…God…on earth? Smelling, breathing, laughing, coughing…Jesus for real? He was the ultimate sacrifice, representation of what we know to be selfless love, a reflection of God’s supreme power and strength. What a gift. What a liberating thing. What a Holy night that must have been. And Jesus re-lived that this year with me.

For those of you who are getting my monthly updates, tomorrow I will send a complete perspective on the month of December as it will be the last day…2008 still sounds very strange. But I am anticipating great things for the New Year, I know that the Lord is going before me and I am ready to fulfill that which He has laid out for me to do.

goodbye november.

Well here it is, an updated picture of the team. This was taken last weekend on and Island called, "Isla Grande"...Brent and Celeste Trickett came down from Canada to check up on us Stinters. What a great time it was to learn from them (Brent is in charge of the partnership between the campus ministry in Panama), be challenged by them, and work out some of the team dynamics and disfunctions we seemed to pin-point. It was really encouraging and alot of fun to have them down here. Not to mention, they came bearing gifts...a guitar case for me, some strings, a capo, a tuner...and a jam-packed shoe box full of goodies from home. I was a wreck opening everything up from Mom: my favorite christmas cookies, cards and notes from my family and friends, so many thoughtful things that just made me feel so loved. My "missing home" took on a whole new level that night. It's strange a journey really, but I know I will be back sooner than it seems. It's already the last day of November and how strange that is to me. It's HOT out, yet with november in my mind...and july all around me(if that makes sense!). Hearing Christmas jingles tropical style on the radio is fun though and I'm loving this new experience. Brent and Celeste also brought the team Christmas goodies, I have a stocking!!

Today, I'm heading out to a Proffesor luncheon. This is held once a semester for Prof's that let members from Campus for Christ (Vida Estudiantil) speak in their classrooms. They are behind the scenes giving the organization more and more freedom and favor from authorities. God is softening many hearts and we are just so grateful for the Prof's that are all so welcoming.

To end here are some random factoids:

1. Toast here in Panama doesn't actually toast, it just browns cause it's so humid.
2. I have watched more movies here than ever in my life, there's not a WHOLE lot to do at night after a long day...movies are a mere $2.50! And I actually understand them when they're voiced over (which is REALLY humerous)...this is progress!
3. I can actually have meaningful conversations in Spanish.
4. Most cab drivers actually point out that I look like I'm from Holland, I find this impressive.

cada estudiante en cada universidad.

Team Interamericana

¿Who doesn't want to win an MP3 player?

Myself, and two girls who are going to be history makers at Interamerica: Laura and Jenny
Today we had our first table set up in the lobby of Interamericana. Wow, it was such a great experience!! I absolutely love this University...the students are different than at Universidad de Panama and there are alot less of them. We set up a table at the entrance, played tunes, gave out candy and took a draw for an MP3 player. The catch was, the "ballots" were spiritual interest questionnaires...amazing results. We have around 130 people who are interested in learning about how to have a relationship with God, and/or want to be part of a Bible study..!!Can you believe it? What an amazing confirmation about the need for us at Interamericana.

Thursday we have a talk arranged with 25 yr. old Carissa Reiniger, president of Silver Lining Ltd. who's the youngest Canadian to net over a million last year. "¿Quien quiere ser millionario?" will be the tag line for this conferencia.

This will continue to be a fun filled busy week! Until next time!

He is always talking.

Something I’ve learned about myself through these months in Panama, or should I say…something that has been confirmed about myself is that I don’t like to stop. Stopping in front of crazy Panamanian cars and their noxious waste is a different story. Or stopping to comfort a friend who’s had a rough day, I don’t mind at all.

Last night I was feeling especially homesick and I realize these things only set in when you have the time to stop and think. Taking the time to pray or read the word of God is something I all too often do, just to get on with my day. It sounds a lot like, “Alright God, these are the things on my mind…this is what I have planned today. Please bless it, give me whatever I need to do it…and yeah, thanks for being so great to me. Amen.” Ouch. I mean, God knows what I’ve planned and what will happen. He doesn’t need a breakdown of my schedule or anything for that matter. The whole deal with prayer is that it’s a conversation. Not just a one sided rant. And if it were one sided, I should be the one listening. I mean, If God IS GOD than He should be the one doing most of the talking seeing as He already knows everything and I’m the one that needs help.


Today I have been forced to stay at home to be still. Yesterday I organized some team fun at the ice skating rink and managed to twist my knee playing a little “follow the leader” (me being the leader). I’ve been hobbling around making soup, tea, doing laundry etc. and I was really close to going to church but nope. The pain killed my plans and forced me to rest. This is becoming more than a familiar lesson from God…Slow down. Be still. Listen to my voice. Chill out. It’s not something I like doing hence the repetition from God.

He definitely made His point clear when I sat down just a few moments before 11 to realize today is Remembrance Day in Canada. If we don’t take the time to remember those who fought for our freedom, we miss out on appreciating our lives and this world. If I don’t take the time to remember where I’ve come from, how God has carried me etc., I miss out as well. And how do I remember if I don’t take the time to rest, reflect, remember…rejuvenate.

Last week, Bajo Grande was a whirlwind of action on which I functioned with around 6 hrs of sleep in total. And this week will be full of outreaches and action at Interamericana. But what is the use of doing things for God when you can’t say you’ve listened to Him lately. He’s always trying to get a word in edgewise with me, How about you? Do you talk to God like He works at some fast food prayer joint? Do you think it’d be silly to listen to God’s voice at all? Give it a try. A good start is looking at what He’s already said in the Bible. Listening to God doesn’t always fit our schedules, or fit our measure of faith, but how can we know if we never stop to try. He is always talking.

Juan 10:27-28
Mis ovejas oyen mi voz; yo las conozco y ellas me siguen. Yo les doy vida eterna, y nunca perecerán, ni nadie podrá arrebatármelas de la mano.

Let me know if you’d like to get my monthly updates with more details about my ministry here. Leave a comment here, or at tricia_jagt@hotmail.com

me encanta.

~ Laura and I ~

Wow! Is it really November? I think the heat here in Panama makes it hard to believe that it really is no longer “summer” and that the winter months are ahead of those at home. The past week we’ve seen a lot of rain here, but that is usually accompanied by much humidity, so there are none of those cozy “grab a sweater” rainy days. Anyways, enough about weather…

These have been some exciting weeks for me. I feel like I’m being used by God so much, and in that process learning so much. So many things add to the feeling of my spiritual “body” undergoing a serious growing spurt…Many things have gone on the past couple weeks. Sarah is back from Halifax safe and sound :) Necessary papers were retrieved, and many other fun gifts from the homeland! Jon and Lindsey went to Nicaragua to do some future planning for Campus for Christ. They had a chance to talk with leaders all over Latin America. Some issues came up within the team that made for some rough times; communication skills are so vital. Please pray for unity and love.

And something I’ve been so overjoyed about is my new involvement full time at this Private University called, “Interamericana”. Two weeks ago Laura (Panamanian & Best friend) and I put together a video about the realities of this world, things we all too often forget. We went from classroom to classroom showing this short video and talking about our presence as “Vida Estudiantil” on campus. It was a great way to get students thinking outside of their egocentrical box to really consider the impact they could have on this world. We also advertised an outreach that was put on this past Tuesday, “What happens after SEX?” People came and packed the room we booked for the event. God is so faithful. There’s always a risk with these things…will anyone really show? Of course they will! And they sure did.

Tomorrow we head out to "Bajo Grande" which is this remote village in Cocle...no running water a.k.a no showering, no grocery stores, no NADA! And the adventure continues...

vida estudiantil.

Information table set up in "Derecho" (Law Faculty)

Anna and I!! She's so sweet...

Outreach we did in Biology with tons of food...great response!

Protest from last week, we left campus early that day..

My dear friends and family and others who read my updates!! God is doing amazing things here on the National Campus, so much that I think if I forget to update this blog I might forget all that He has has done. Bible studies have been set up, many people in the beginning stages of their relationship with God…its amazing. Seeing people really start living lives found in the freedom that Christ gives, makes me have this crazy amount of joy that’s unexplainable.

This past Monday, I was so happy just to talk with these 4 girls. I had the chance to speak about integrity in their class (the professors here are so welcoming) and then we met up to talk about faith. I love giving students a chance to talk about their beliefs without pressure, in a comfortable environment. Everyone thinks about it, even if they try to avoid it…why are we here? What’s this life all about? My friend Anna and I had the chance to pray with 3 girls. It was Anna’s first time sharing her faith so it was exciting! They really wanted to start living their lives with Christ, and we’re meeting up next week to hang out.

Today we had around 40 people at the weekly meeting and the numbers just keep on growing. What God is doing here on the campus is something so amazing, revolutionary, wonderful. I had a chance to speak about the obstacles I’ve faced and how God has overcome them all. Looking back on how God has orchestrated my life is just mind boggling, I’ve support raised for 5 different mission trips…never seeming to have much faith that God would provide the funds and he always does. I’ve been through family troubles, and sicknesses and feeling like, “Who am I that God wants to send me anywhere?” THROUGH IT ALL…I’ve realized that living for God isn’t about me in the least, not about what I understand, or how much faith I feel I have…it’s about being willing to die to yourself and live for Christ. Cause when I’m out of the picture, things work out…God’s will can be accomplished without the sin in my life that always gets in the way. Anyways, thought I’d just spill a little and show some pictures of what’s been going on.

Oh and as far as my Spanish goes, it’s getting better. I feel like I’m at a bit of a lull because I haven’t been studying much…but I understand more and more each day. I’d love to just snap my fingers and speak fluently but I know God’s doing a good work in me as this process continues. I love Spanish. I'm meeting up with about 8 girls tomorrow to talk about their faith, etc. without a transator. I think I can handle it :) Hasta Luego

panama = fresh fruit and great fish.

The fish below is Sea Bass in English. This stuff is amazing, and makes a wonderful snack, especially prepared like "Ceviche" on crackers. Grab some fish from your local market and enjoy it with me! Click the link below, seems super easy, super tasty!http://www.cdkitchen.com/recipes/recs/238/Panamanian_Ceviche11581.shtml
I could have spent hours at this market just looking at everything and talking with the vendors. Luckily our trip to "El Mercado de Mariscos" last Sat. didn't smell thanks to my stuffed nose!

Close to the fish market is this fruit/vegetable market, with many street vendors and other shops in between. We concluded that a trip to the market to stock up on this fresh stuff is more economical and fun! The grocery stores by the appartment buy from these vendors, why shouldn't we :) Thought these pics might be a fun window into Panama life.

officially migrated.

(This is my "official" identification here in Panama, our visas got extended yesterday and this gives us 30 more days to get on the paperwork for our missionary visas. I feel like I belong!!)

Interesting Panama Factoids:

Population: 3,232,000
Capital: Panama City; 813,097 (2005 estimate)
Area: 75,517 square kilometers (29,157 square miles)
Panama means: "abundance of fish and butterflies" in one of the country’s s indigenous languages.
Average Life Expectancy: 74 yrs.
Average Literacy: 93%.

• Nunez de Balboa, a Spanish explorer, was the first European to see the Pacific Ocean from Panama (1513) Balboa is a word used for dollar, but most people just say “un dollar.” I thought my friend Laura was joking when she told me how to say quarter in English because it sounds like “quwada”…so similar! U.S currency is used interchangeably and the US Mint makes Panama’s coins.
• Panama Hats come from Ecuador not Panama. Sorry bro...I'll do my best to find you one!
• In most stores, there’s a sales clerk that follows you around. I was confused at first cause I thought they might be suspicious of me for shoplifting? But that’s just their job to follow you…its kind of annoying but I’m getting used to it!
• Almost everyone that I introduce myself to calls me Patty after they hear me say Patricia. Sometimes I say, "Solo(only) Tricia" or "Patricia sin(without) Pat"..ahah...they either laugh at me or continue to call me Patty. This has GOT to be stopped!! :)
• There has been general hostility between Panamanians and Columbians since Panama gained independence in 1903. The same year, the U.S bought the rights to build the Panama Canal and gained sovereignty of the Canal Zone and land either side of the it.
• But in 1977 General Torrijos negotiated a Treaty that led to the handover of the Canal, to Panama, at the end of 1999. That same year, Mireya Moscoso became the first female president of Panama. In general, women here seem to be mostly educated, strong and successful at what they do.
• The Netherlands, and the whole of Netherlands Antilles are major trading partners with Panama. GO DUTCH!! (I was pleased to see an abundance of “Maggi” products…made in Panama nevertheless but the Dutch name remains)
• There are seven indigenous people groups in Panama: Embera, Wounaan, Guaymi, Bugle, Kuna, Naso and Bribi. Walking around the city, I spot mostly Kuna women because of their distinct colourful clothes. The men and women are all extrodinarily short!
• The city is always really noisy, from my appartment there is a consistent layer of sound that I now find comforting. Drivers love to honk their horns for little or no reason, and there is no “saftey check” needed to drive a vehicle...mmm…large clouds of exhaust fumes.
• On campus, it costs roughly un dollar for lunch, give or take a few cents...rice, plantains, beans and some sort of meat. A popular dish here is called, "Mondongo" which is the cleaned intestines and stomach of a cow...I've tried it but I think I'll pass from now on! :S
• The climate is hot, humid, and cloudy with a prolonged rainy season from May to January, short dry season from January to May. School is out for holidays around December for the summer. What a strange Christmas it will be, a hot one seems quite appealing though..
• I have joined a bible study/cell group that meets every thursday night...I'm really excited about this opportunity to lead some worship there aswell as help out in any other way needed. I meet with people from the church I attend called, "Casa De Oración" and I'm pumped!

Anyways hope this has been informative and entertaining. I thank God every morning for this amazing opportunity to be on campus full time, talking with students, ministering to the needs, planning classroom talks and informing students about the community on campus...tommorow I'm leading worship at the weekly meeting. Such fun! Your prayers and support are still so encouraging, thanks for walking alongside me as this adventure in changing the campus continues...May God continue to be glorified as I am humbled by His sovereignty.

¡Que viva Panamá!

straight from El Dorado.

(the view from "Cerro Azul" was breathtaking, we stayed here for a retreat last weekend with about 25 panamanians and our canadain team for training/fun times!)

(hugging a massive tree at a nearby national park)

(looking out from the park, the wildlife at this rainforest consisted of gigantic spiders?!?)

As you can see, I am in heaven with the scenery here. Granted, Panama City is everything but green, it doesnt take too long to find the surrounding beauty. These pictures are backtracking a bit, cause Im sitting on the 9th floor in my appartment that overlooks the busy poluted city. But I'm so happy that this day has finally come. I feel incredibly blessed to be out of that limbo state I was in last blog. Despite the fact that we’re still working on how to keep our visas, or get them as official missionaries…I have a home, a phone…the Internet…a bed, a teapot. What more do I need? Last night I killed two cockroaches and they’re smart little buggers. Fun times!!

Today we were on campus from 9 till around 4 and it was amazing. I love Thursdays here because we meet at an outdoor amphitheater called TUAL…not sure why yet. But, its always really amazing to see how numbers grow each week, with so many students hungry for more of God. Its unexplainable joy really, worshiping in Spanish with many students surrounding…unexplainable, cause I know it’s the Joy of the Lord. These things just don’t occur naturally feeling all hot and sweaty/hungry and thirsty! I’m so glad we’re finally on campus. Learning Spanish is humbling but so much fun. It’s starting to sink in that this Panama stuff is pretty permanent now and I won’t have to leave for a while. Heaven!

Habakkuk 1: 5

The Lord Replied, "Look at the nations and be amazed! Watch and be astonished at what I will do! For I am doing something in your own day, something you wouldn't belive even if someone told you about it."

i love panama.

Hey guys, I'm gonna have to make this one real short and sweet. I'm stitting here at an internet cafe (im pumped cause they actually sell salads and understand my spanish) trying to catch up on emails etc. (sorry to those i havent responded, i figured a quick blog update would suffice for now) finding time for the internet has been harder than i thought it would be! so lets see..

- we finally have found 2 appartments and us four girls are hopefully moving in tommorow! It's probably a 10 minute walk to the guy's appartment, it's ideal...beautiful, i feel very blessed.

- our visas are still up in the air, and we might have to sign up for classes with an english school or something in order to stay as students etc.

- i'm realizing how much I'm total bait here in Panama, and am learning how to tune out whistling, nasty panamanian men

- i havent gotten sick yet, feel great physically - other than the fact that this city is really polluted. My lungs hurt last week when we were doing a prayer walk around the campus, at 5:30 in the morning...there was like a burning sensation...any ideas? other than a gas mask.

- for those who are curious as to my mailing adress (mom :) the mailing system is really sketch here so i'm not even sure we have one...hehe.?/ all in good time.

- amidst all that is "up in the air" i really feel at home here and God has given me and amazing peace and just unexplainable joy about this city, this country...my teamates, panamanians whom i love and adore, and i just CAN'T WAIT to get on campus.

This feels like heaven.

I hope to get some more time on the internet soon, but we're all very much in limbo until we get settled into our appartments and onto campus....pray for kind administrative ppl and God's continued favor. Much MUCH love, Tricia

Canada meets Panama.

Hello friends and family!! I made it! Wooohoo God is so faithful. I’m sitting here in an Internet place right next to the hotel I’m staying at and it’s surreal. Let me just say that this whole training week was amazing and INTENSE. It was awesome to finally be united as stint teams in Guelph, allowing this trip to really sink in a whole lot more. We had amazing times of teaching and preparations, with language learning, prayer, biblical foundations etc.

Last week the craziest thing happened though, I was hit with the news last week Wednesday that I wouldn’t be able to go to Panama because of the financial status I was at in support raising. It was like a ton of bricks hit me, crushing my body/spirit and everything else. I decided that God was just doing this to show His power and glory through my life. We had the tickets, we had the willing person (me) but I had to “o.k” from head office cause I didn’t have the funds.

So our team united, we prayed, we fasted…we worshiped God and told Him to show us His power and guess what He did? Well in a matter of hours, like 2-3 (I was such a whirlwind) the rest of the funds came in. And let me tell you, I needed 8,000 more to come here and it was pledged and more; from the most unlikely sources. Are you guys getting the idea here? God is faithful. He calls us to do stuff, and nothing will get in the way of his purposes here on earth. He IS powerful, He DOES keep his promises and He is at work in every detail of our lives.

Wow. So it’s just been so surreal being here in Panama. Reuniting with amazing friends, looking for apartments to live in, praying and worshipping in Spanish. I can’t even describe to you how amazing it feels. Amazing. Wonderful. Beautiful. I woke up this morning dreaming in spanish.

i want to hold the hand that holds the world.

Alright...so I do believe this is my final and last “blog of the week” from home, seeing as I leave to Guelph for training this coming Monday. LAST WEEK AT HOME! How beautiful, exciting, tragic, nauseating...everything and more. Preparations to leave with visas, emails, banking stuff etc. have come into place and I am still trusting God with the finances for the trip. I know I’m going, and everything will fall into place in His timing despite all of my impatient prayers.

God’s sovereignty has been more apparent to me this week. Like do you ever wonder if God REALLY cares, if He’s really “got the whole world in his hands” (sing it with me! aha) If you’re at all like me, you question your faith from time to time. But this is what I was smacked in the face with this week…HE DOES! He listens, He knows, He calls people to do his work here on earth and His plans and purposes are perfect despite the way we look at things. Everything that is at all good in this world, He IS.

Last week, My beloved sister Mel and I were talking about what to do on the long weekend. Wanting to do something together of course (cue the violins) We decided that we would go to London to visit friends, for the cuban night at their church and check out this “Fresh Fire” Conference. Mel said, “I know that God wants you to be there, God has something in store for you.” Apparently he did.

Fast forward to the end of the weekend. I have never witnessed so many people getting healed from sicknesses; this woman right behind me said she even heard her bones crack as they were put back into place. It was nuts. That alone reminded me that God wants to move through our prayers of faith. But I was getting pretty tired after less than 3 hrs. of sleep the night before, I gave Mel the “lets go soon” eye but Todd said he had one last word. Just imagine me in a sea of hundreds of people. Sitting there, feeling tired, thinking about how powerful God is…

Before the service, God gave him a vision of this girl in the audience named Patricia. Who, What? Who calls me Patricia anyways. Wait..."a girl under the age of 25, with long blonde hair" shoot, God had me cornered. Remember that you didn’t have to sign up for this conference or anything, I had never even been to London before…EVER. So I went up to the front where Todd was speaking and He smiled cause it looked like me. He told me that Panama is exactly where I’m supposed to be. That there was a banner over my head that said “All Nations” (Panama is the intersection of the nations) That I’m full of virtue and have the brightness of God’s favor on my life. He told me that there’s power in my cheerful disposition. God was speaking right through him, about the mission of compassion and mercy…including children in the slums…

He prayed over me, and commissioned me to go. Let's do this!

Isaiah 14:24 – The Lord Almighty has sworn, “As I have planned, so shall it be, and as I have purposed, so shall it stand.”

through it all.

You are forever in my life, You see me through the seasons
Cover me with Your hand, And lead me in Your righteousness

And I look to You, And I wait on You

I will sing to You, Lord a hymn of love

For Your faithfulness to me

Im carried in everlasting arms

Youll never let me go

Through it all

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Wondering why I've pasted these lyrics here? Well this song is one of my favorites, the cry of my heart to God at this crazy time. I've got two weeks left at home. There are visas to apply for, forms and more forms, not to mention that I'm not at all fully funded for this mission next year. But the plane ticket has been booked in faith. Plus I'm cancelling my health plan in canada for a year......praying for me is more like breathing now. I know that God is able to do more than my mind can even comprehend. He will provide. He will be faithful. He's not gonna leave me stranded, it's His reputation on the line afterall. I will not give into my fears and will cling to faith. Even saying goodbyes are now acts of faith, faith that I won't see the girls I said goodbye to last night (picture above) faith faith faith...what a strange adventure.

contentment.

These past 10 days have been amazing. Truly amazing, the more I let go of control over my life the better things get. I could be going crazy right now thinking about the fact that I have three weeks left to raise a lot more support, and say goodbyes but I’m just not going to.

What I will continue to do is rest in the thought that God is sovereign, He loves me and in HIS timing He makes all things beautiful. Tomorrow morning I will be speaking along with Jon (stint team) and Alejandro (just got back from Panama) and I’m thrilled about this opportunity. Step-by-Step, God is guiding me to Panama and slowly I’m becoming more and more the woman He wants me to be.

Here are a few things that have become more and more apparent to me lately:
- I don’t often appreciate my family and friends as much as I should.
- Canada is a richly blessed nation, this I should be more grateful of as well.
- God uses our obstacles to help us overcome them and then display HIS power.
- There is an unending and relentless cycle of people through the ages trying to find contentment in the same old lame things…relationships (sex), escape (drugs, booze), money (possessions)…they never truly satisfy and we all know it.

Why is it so hard to find real life? Why do we try to hard to do it on our own when God just longs for us to surrender to His love and wisdom, purpose, plans…I wonder…
I should probably cut back on my rambling. Thanks to those who actually read these and enjoy them!! I promise to always update on what God is doing, what I’m doing…and what I’m learning most of all. Isn’t that what it’s all about? Until next time!

Philipians 4:4-7
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

you've got to pull the ripcord.

These weeks are packed with preparations and forms and phone calls and business. All that I think and breathe and live is Panama. Getting there, praying for it, stressing about it, feeling utter joy and peace about it…the most interesting roller coaster I’ve ever experienced and the most beautiful. I thank God for calling me to be his hands and feet in Panama. And I thank Him for times like these, when all I have are his promises and I hold fast to them. This is faith, real faith.

Last week I had the privilege of going to wonderland with two great friends. I was struck with how differently everyone reacts to roller coasters/thrill rides. I absolutely love them. I love knowing that I’m safe and don’t have to worry that I’ll get hurt. But it was fun coaxing my friend Laura to do things she didn’t want to do. I couldn’t help but feel these roller coasters were spiritual experiences. Especially when twilight came and we were hoisted up in the air to make a 170 ft. free fall. You’ve got to pull the ripcord…3, 2, 1, FLY they say. It’s scary plunging so low with only a six feet distance between you and the cement BUT the bungee catches you and you feel weightless…free flying knowing you are secure.

If you don’t pull the ripcord, you can’t fly. Surrendering sucks at times. Generally it’s painful, though letting go to feel weightless in the arms of God is all I ever want to do. I have four weeks left to support raise the rest of the money I need to go. That’s like 28 days. Possible? I think so.

late night pondering.

I love listening to the rain. And I like reflecting on my days. This week's been full of learning, crying, laughing...and I'm struck again that this is the best way to live. To feel and live things deeply, with all that I am, the beauty amidst uncertainty, the adventure amidst angst. Since last weekend I've had this song stuck in my head on and off by Fleetwood Mac and the lyrics have really stuck with me.

Well I've been afraid of changing, cause I built my life around you

Time makes you bolder, children get older and I'm getting older too..

Can the child within myself, rise above?

Can I sail through the changing, oceans tide?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

These words stuck in my head for a number of reasons, partially because my brother taught me how to play it on guitar but more because these lyrics are true to where I'm at. I'm afraid of change cause I've built my life around God, and my doubtful mind gets the best of me, at the worst of times. But I'm standing on sturdy ground, and God never fails to reassure me of His love. I guess I'm just getting sick myself.? I can't take ANY credit for what God has done and will do in my life. He longs to live more and more powerfully through us. Will we let him?

Matt. 7:25
The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house;
yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.

my God saves.

There are a lot of things I don’t know. I’m just learning how to put sentences together in Spanish. I can’t tell you what it’s like to give birth or pay off a mortgage. I don’t know what turning 30 is like, or how a funeral of a close friend would wreck me. Even sooner, I don’t know what tomorrow will hold or what this day may bring. There are a lot of things I don’t have a clue about. That’s one thing I know for certain.

This is the point, we don’t know much. I don’t know how I’m getting to Panama. God does, I don’t. And as uncomfortable as this makes me, even to write…to put all trust in Him, whew…HE CAN HANDLE IT! This is where God wants to be. And it’s been a rocky road to get to this point of surrender again. This past Monday I learned that I really only have one more month to get all the finances in order for next year and only 7 weeks left at home. I. Freaked. Out. It was all up to me as I was sitting there perplexed and nauseous, I just couldn’t handle it. I thought I’d failed already, that I just wasn’t doing a good job for my Lord that I’d messed up or will mess up and thoughts compiled into one large heap of garbage.

Sleep does wonders. And God does too…after a day of work mayhem I went to a prayer and worship time at this random church in Brantford with Robyn. I recognized the Pastor, and I’ve never felt so at home with a bunch of strangers, all after the same thing…more of God and less of ourselves. I sought after God’s protection and peace and about an hour into the service some stranger pulled me aside. He said that God gave him a vision for me. God gave him a picture of me walking through an apple orchard, picking ripe apples off the trees with bushels behind me. He went onto explain that it meant that I will be heading into a season of bringing many people into the kingdom of God, mentoring, investing in many lives. He actually used the words I’ve been using to explain what’s going to happen in Panama, through “evangelism and discipleship” the nation will be changed. So 1) I’ve never met this guy before 2) Has he been reading my mail? 3) How did he know that I love that analogy of ripe fruit ready for harvest? He didn't!! Heck he didn't know my name...but God used him in a very powerful way...

Clearly, God is at work in my life and will not let my fears get in the way of his soverignty.

Habakuk 2:3-4

Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed.4"Look at the proud! They trust in themselves, and their lives are crooked; but the righteous will live by their faith.

everyone was in on it.

SURPRISE!! I'm 21!!
Alright, so maybe I was more surprised than you are right now. I can now say that I’ve been thrown a surprise party, and am officially great with surprises…I loved it. Although my reaction of screaming and running away could indicate otherwise, a few more seconds to process the shock and I was all smiles. I didn’t know there were so many sneaky people in my life…that I love so much…

And as I grow older I know the decisions I make are shaping my future...critical choices and changes and yet I feel peace. God has guided my past as He is shaping my future, without this knowledge and continual surrender - God only knows where I'd be! This life is pretty crazy though, how years pass and time flies…it really makes me thankful for each day, each moment…this one and only Wednesday June 20th, 2007 that I get to live.

For instance, I just came back from a 2 hr. hike with my 78 (?) year old Grandpa. We talked, we laughed, we stopped for chocolate and juice and walked along an old train track. A reoccurring theme came to mind: Life is short!! Don’t waste it. Live with integrity even when it hurts. Walk in faith. What matters in heaven is what matters on earth. My grandpa was telling me that he didn’t even think he’d be alive in 2000. And he’s planning on sticking around for many years to come…(GO grandpa! How old will I be in 3000 again?) Don’t waste your life!! Don’t live in the past, and don’t focus on the future so hard that today gets blurry. Today is THE day; it’s the only one.

"For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." Ephesians 2:10

jump.

This past week and a half has been amazingly jam-packed with goodness. Each day I get closer and closer to leaving and that makes me jump for joy and panic at the same time.

God have me alot of opportunites to grow and stretch for His glory and it's actually been a huge amount of fun. I didn't know there were so many spanish people around...ahah..all willing to chuckle at my apparent obession with learning their language.

Let me think of some things I learned this weekend..

1. God is in control of every detail of our lives, even if He allows us to think otherwise.
2. I reaaalllly do love warm rain. Thankyou Lord for that beautiful detail.
3. I try all to hard to fit God into a neat tricia-sized box. He has never, and will never fit into anything He created.
4. Chicken Enchiladas are realllly filling. Too much, and you will get nauseous.
5. Families are precious and beautiful things. Never take your family for granted.
6. Reggaetón orginated in Panama, and is best heard driving around white suburbia.
7. Followers of Christ could learn a thing or two from cliff jumpers...trust and GO.

The challenge to the missionary does not come on the line that people are difficult to get saved, that backsliders are difficult to relcaim, that there is a wedge of callous indifference; but along the line of his own personal relationship to Christ. "Belive ye that I am able to do this?" Our Lord puts that question steadily, it faces us in every individual case we meet. The one great challenge is - Do I know my Risen Lord? Do I know the power of His indwelling Spirit? Am I wise enough in God's sight, and foolish enough according to the world, to bank on what Jesus Christ has said, or am I abandoning the great supernatural position, which is the only call for a missionary, viz., boundless confiedence in Christ Jesus? If I take up any other meathod I depart altogether from the methods laid down by Our Lord - "All power is given unto Me...therefore go."

- Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, Oct.27th

hands.

I came across this picture today and it spoke to a deep place inside of me. I don't ever want to forget that when all is said and done, I am just a small plant inside of God's hands. Safe and secure.

May the road rise to meet you. May the wind always be at your back. May the sunshine warm upon your face, the rain fall soft upon your fields. And until we meet again, May God hold you in the palm of his hand. - Irish Blessing

"See, I have engraved you on the palm of my hands;" - Isaiah 49:16

love.

Well I sit here, ready to embark on another week…managing at the teahouse is a lot of new responsibility and a lot of fun. This past weekend has been a blast. I’ve met up with great friends and had such a refreshing time at the global day of prayer yesterday.

God is patient with me. I’ll be honest, through the trying times of support raising I’ve sought God to tell me clearly to go back to school and not to Panama. As you can imagine, I felt completely ridiculous doing this because everything in me knows where I am supposed to go. And it sure won’t be back to McMaster next year. It’s hard praying prayers you know won’t occur…if that makes any sense.

Last Friday night I was coming back from Toronto, watching airplanes zoom by and I was just peacefully hanging with God. And then just as I was heading up a hill, my car dies. It completely ran out of gas, and granted I knew it was low. But I thought I knew the car, it had never burnt out on me before. So I panicked, phoning Robyn as I was unintentionally backing down a main road, “I’m currently going backwards on Brant St., COME AND FIND ME!” All of this to say that as I was standing there in the cold, feeling not so happy anymore, I got discouraged and doubtful. Classic: times get rough and I cave. But this time I was praying, "please confirm my going to Panama again at the day of prayer. If you do this, I’ll stop bothering you about it. And please, bring me some gas?"

The gas came and I went. And yesterday the place was packed. We finally found seats and started to pray. A couple minutes flew by and the words I’m hearing from the stage are echoing behind me…but in Spanish. Out of all the places to sit! I was SURROUNDED. The little boy and girl maybe 6 or 7 yrs old sat down right next to me and were talking about me..haha..and about how I kept on looking at them. I was in shock!!? Was I just going delusional? I kept on double-checking that they were translating into Spanish and not Italian or something. And then I sat there in such awe, that God would answer my foolish, doubtful prayer…again. I sat there and wept. Actually I was leaking the whole night. The love God has given me for Panama, Latin America is something I can’t explain. It just oozes out. God’s love is something I think I’m finally beginning to grasp…maybe… it’s just so huge. And amazing.

So that was confirmation #2.2 Bizzilion,

now I really can’t have any excuses.

Honour and Praise to HIS name.
Now I’m off to work.

freedom.

"The uncertainties of life can help to remind each of us that we are dependent on our Father in Heaven. But that reminder is not automatic. It involves our agency. We must choose to take our fears to him, choose to trust him, and choose to allow him to direct us. We must make these choices when what we feel most inclined to do is to rely more and more on our own frantic and often distorted thinking." ~Virginia H. Pearce

I am learning so much about choosing to embrace the freedom that God wants to give me. It's so much easier said than done. But it's funny how choosing to surrender control actually allows God to do what is best for my life; by letting go I am actually receiving

His best.

Then, calling the crowd to join his disciples, he said, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake and for the sake of the Good News, you will save it."

( Mark 8:34-35)

What do you believe?

“The giant step in the walk of faith is the one we take when we decide God no longer is a part of our lives. He IS our life.”

So far in this quickly passing month of May, I’ve been learning some intensive lessons on faith. It’s something I definitely can’t get enough of, cause when I think I’ve got it, God challenges me to trust him with more and more. Thank goodness God never intends on leaving me where I’m at amidst the struggle to surrender, trust and believe. I am soo grateful for how He is shaping my unbelief and lack of faith into something beautiful.

“Why does God allow us to spend so much of life in the heat of battle? Because He never meant for us to sip His spirit like a proper cup of tea. He meant for us to hold our sweating heads over the fountain and lap up His life with unquenchable thirst.”- Beth Moore

So I've faced it, I can do nothing by my own strength, I need more faith and more of God's Holy Spirit. Its either Him or me, all or nothing, all in - all out. I love this verse in Mark when Jesus says, "Don't be afraid; Just believe." (35:26)

It's really that simple.

when I call on Jesus, all things are possible - I can mount on wings like eagles and soar

This living in Panama for a year thing,...is starting to really sink in these days. I had a great time last Saturday meeting up with people planning on joining internships with Campus for Christ across Canada and the world. It was a thrilling and exhausting day of training. But mostly thrilling. I can't believe what an adventure it is following Christ. It's the most exciting, joyful, rewarding and terrifying thing life has to offer.

And I look forward to the months ahead, working, and support raising...there are soo many things needed to get done before August. Sometimes, I catch myself questioning if this is really happening. I think, who in their right mind would trust God to raise up such a large sum of money needed for this trip? It is surreal, and I wouldn't rather be anywhere else. Because deep down, even in my times of doubt I know that God has led me to this point in my life for a greater purpose than i could ever know.

And I can trust him with anything and everything.

God is indeed, faithful.

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him.
He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes;

its leaves are always green.

It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."

Jeremiah 17:7-8

Spring has sprung and so has this new blog..

Alright, here I am. Despite my technological problemas and a fatal attempt to blog through planetranger.com, I have now fully entered this blogging world. I really didn't think the day would come. I guess I just couldn't deny the advantages.

As I sit here, I'm thinking ahead to all of the posts that will track the faithfulness of God in my life and in this world. I hope that this will be a great way to connect with my friends, family, and any other extended contacts that wish to hear about my journey towards and through an short term (one year) internship program with Campus for Christ in PANAMA! Words could not express my excitement and anticipation to go on this adventure, to fully rely on God's guidance and not my own fears in the process. How will i deal being away from Canada? Will I be able to communicate in Spanish? How ever will there be enough funding to go? And where will it come from? Despite all the lingering questions in my head I am well aware that God, the foundation of life and this journey he's placed me in, knows what He's doing. And all I want to do is trust him, let him lead the way because Lord knows I would mess things up!

Alright, so have I mentioned how excited I am about this summer? And this day is such a blessing, i love dramatic rainy/windy/bursts of sunshine days. I plan on retrieving all my studio work from school, a little planning of my week, a little reading "funding your ministry" and hanging out with my dearest friend Robyn Asplen (aka. babu, bobby, boeboe, babs, beans, beanzoid, t-bone, i could go on) who just walked in the door!

And how could I forget to mention how happy I am to be an aunt for the 3rd time to a wonderfully beautiful niece, Annalise born on Saturday, April 21st to my brother Dan and his wife Sandi. This world is full of miracles, she is one of them.

Okie doke, that's it for today folks.

Hebrews 11:1
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."